Woody: Nude Privates go public

By LARRY WOODY

As I follow the evolving scandal about photos of nude female Marines being posted on the internet, I have just one question:

How do I find that website?

I'm kidding. I have no desire to stare at photos of female Gomer Pyles in their birthday suits, wearing nothing but a smile and combat boots.

My REAL question is, what were the Marine maidens thinking when they got naked and allowed someone to take their picture?

In this day and time, they should have known it was only a matter of time until the photos made their way to the internet and other social media.

I have no sympathy for the exposed Privates.

They were issued uniforms when they joined up. Wear them. Problem solved.

I feel the same way about Hollywood celebrities who express shock and outrage over their "personal" photos being released..."Personal" meaning "butt-naked."

I suspect in some cases it's done on purpose -- a publicity stunt to try to get attention. Otherwise why would a young lady with a brain any bigger than a fruit fly's strip naked and let somebody snap photos of her? Does she think they're for the family album, to show Aunt Gladys at Thanksgiving?

Starlet: "And here's another picture of me, naked as a jaybird, washing dishes ..."

Aunt Gladys: "Hope that hot water doesn't wrinkle your, uh, hands."

I don't recall incidents like this when I was growing up. The only "risque photos" I recall seeing were in pilfered Playboy magazines. (Throughout my teen-aged years I assumed all comely young ladies had staples in their belly buttons, like Miss January.)

Later on I served a hitch in the Army, and not once did I yearn to see a fellow solider striking a sultry pose on a bear-skin rug in front of a fireplace. Taking a shower in the barracks was bad enough.

Of course back then we didn't have lady soldiers, at least not in the combat infantry outfit I was in, so we didn't face the same temptations as today's guy soldiers. I suppose it's easier to suppress wicked thoughts about Forrest Gump than about Kate Upton in fatigues.

My old pal Lewis Gizzard used to say there are two types of nudity:

"Naked" means you have no clothes on.

"Nekkid" means you have no clothes on and are up to something.

When a young lady takes off her clothes and poses for a photographer, she's definitely "nekkid."

I suppose being nekkid and naive doesn't excuse some jerk posting the lady's personal photos on the internet, and the Marine Core commandant says it won't be tolerated. As soon as he gets this darn North Korean nuclear-war-threat thingy under control he'll deal with the naked-soldier crisis.

(I bet he longs for the good old days, when all a Marine commander had to worry about was storming Iwo Jima.)

Meanwhile all the peeved Privates should remain patient and keep their pants on.

If they'd done that to start with, they wouldn't be in this mess.