By LARRY WOODY
Sultry model Courtney Stodden recently donned a "lettuce bikini" to show her support for vegetarianism.
Where's a cutworm when you need one?
I don't know Ms. Stodden personally, but if you compared her IQ to a cumquat, I'd bet on the cumquat.
Anybody who would allow People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) to talk them into walking around in public wearing nothing but lettuce leaves could be a pea shy of a pod.
What happens if Ms. Stodden goes out on a hot day and her bikini wilts? She could cause a traffic jam.
If she REALLY wants to attract attention she could wear some strategically-placed parsley sprigs.
Stodden's publicity stunt comes on the heels of a plan by fellow animal activists in a small town in upstate New York to provide birth control for deer.
Officials will spend $30,000 to trap and inoculate some of the female deer in an over-populated herd that is causing problems in neighborhoods. The deer are eating flowers, shrubs and every other sprout of vegetation in the area. (Ms. Stodden better not wear her lettuce outfit around there.)
The birth control injections won't permanently sterilize the does, only render them infertile for a year or two. If it works, maybe we could try it on the Kardashians.
The birth-control-for Bambi idea was spawned after a "Just Say No" campaign failed to put a damper on the deer's reproductive tendencies.
It won't work, of course. Deer are too prolific. They can't all be sterilized, and every doe that's not on the pill can produce from one to three fawns each spring. By the following fall, those female yearlings will be ready to go to the prom.
Also from the PETA front: this spring the organization protested "frog abuse" in Smithville. When the community's Future Farmers of America chapter announced that it was sponsoring a fund-raising frog hunt, PETA got hopping mad.
There's much worse things kids can do at night than go frog hunting. At least they're outdoors getting some fresh air and exercise instead of sitting on the sofa being turned into I-Pad zombies.
Frog legs are delicious to eat. Just remember to put the lid on the skillet when you plop them into the sizzling hot grease, or else they'll jump out. (That "thud" you just heard was a PETA person fainting.)
I suppose I shouldn't poke too much fun at PETA people, but it's hard to resist when you hear one remark that "there's no need to kill animals for meat when we can just go to the grocery store and buy some."
You can find more brains in a head of cabbage.
Which brings us back to Ms. Stodden, whose lettuce bikini "leaves" little to the imagination. She got attention, which was the purpose of the stunt, but I'm not sure it's the kind of attention that benefits PETA's cause.
In fact, it could invite trouble: when the lettuce starts to turn rank, it'll attract gnats and - horrors! - somebody is liable to swat one.
But I suppose there's no harm in Courtney wearing a lettuce bikini if it makes her happy, and who knows - maybe she'll meet a nice tomato and a slice of bacon and join them on a piece of toast somewhere.