By LARRY WOODY
A TV news reporter read a story the other night about a growing trend: more and more men are using cosmetics.
I thought the reporter's eye-liner clashed with his lip gloss, he needed more blush to accentuate his cheek bones, and his hair spray was causing dryness and split ends.
He also could have used more powder on his hair plugs.
I don't want to be too judgmental; I confess that Bubba and I often apply makeup before we head out. We smear camo paint on our faces when we go duck hunting and deer hunting.
Bubba prefers a subtle shade of "Autumn Splendor" while I favor a more daring pattern called "Sunrise Surprise."
We also use a special brand of male cologne, Doe Estrus Urine, but you have to be careful not to over-state. A dab or two behind each ear and a drop on the wrist is all it takes.
A good skin moisturizer will prevent chapped hands, and lip balm is must to avoid dry, cracked lips on a blustery winter morning.
Duck Dynasty, meet Estee Lauder.
Sometimes when we're running late, Bubba applies his makeup in the truck while he's driving. Steering with his knees, he uses the rear-view mirror to make sure his camo paint is on straight.
Next thing I know he'll be teasing his hair and doing his nails.
I'm not sure that having our faces painted helps Bubba and me bag more ducks and bucks, but it boosts our self-assurance and confidence, and makes us feel more positive about ourselves.
The TV report said that the trend toward guys getting dolled up is attributed to a number of factors, starting with the fact that as a society we've become increasingly narcissistic and self-absorbed.
There was a time when men my age wanted to look like John Wayne and James Cagney. Now they want to look like that gaggle of apple-cheeked Yuppies in the Dockers commercials. For the life of me I don't know why; I'll bet they couldn't skin a deer or gut a catfish if their life depended on it.
Many among the growing, graying legion of male Baby Boomers are trying to retain their lost youth. They can't accept the fact that they're not 18 any more and taking Betty Sue to the drive-in. They're 60-something, bald, and can't see their toes.
They can smear makeup on with a grout trowel and it won't help. They'll look like an old, fat, bald guy with his face painted.
There's no Fountain of Youth in a beauty parlor.
But if wearing makeup boosts a fellow's self-esteem and makes him feel better about himself, there's nothing wrong with it. Gentlemen, start your eyebrow-pluckers.
As for Bubba and me, we'll limit our male makeup to a few smears of face camo during duck season. We refuse succumb to vanity, like some guys out there.
Which reminds me: do these fishing waders make my butt look big?