By LARRY WOODY
According to NASA, the ozone hole above the earth is getting smaller, which is good news for the underarm-deodorant-spray industry and -- consequently -- for folks stuck on crowded elevators in hot weather.
NASA says we can resume using spray-on deodorant with a clear conscience. Such aerosol-spewing products apparently won't disintegrate the ozone and doom the planet as originally feared.
The misguided meteorologists summed it up with this press release:
Also, the government can cancel its proposed trillion-dollar space launch of a giant tube of Preparation H Hemorrhoid Treatment it intended to use to shrink the ozone hole.
I was always a tad skeptical about the whole ozone-hole scare.
When it first came out back in the 70's, we were told that human-produced chlorofluorocarbons were eating a big hole in the ozone, and that as a result we were destined to either freeze solid or burn to a crisp -- the scientific community was divided.
But one thing they COULD agree on -- the one thing of which they were absolutely certain -- was that they needed more big government grants so they could sit around and stare up at the sky.
Now that the ozone-hole doomsday threat is over, we can focus on other things that jeopardize modern civilization: keeping up the Kardashians and watching the Jerry Springer Show. (Today's episode: "My gal jilted me for a goat -- and vice versa.")
But let's not get too giddy just yet. As they say, when one hole closes, another opens.
On the same day we received the good intergalactic news about our shrinking ozone hole came a report that Global Warming is getting worse by the minute. According to the latest study, the earth's surface has warmed by almost a tenth of a degree over the last century and at this rate in another 100 years Buffalo NY may have dug out of last winter's record snowfall.
Global Warming is said to be causing the icebergs to melt, creating anxiety among penguins. I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a word inhabited by nervous, over-heated penguins.
Global Warners predict if the situation goes unchecked, the states of California and New York could eventually be completely submerged. There might also be some negative effects.
I don't buy it. My TV weatherman can't predict if it's going to rain tomorrow, yet they're forecasting what the temperature will be in 100 years?
Yesterday they told us we doomed by a growing ozone hole and now tell us we're doomed by a heat wave.
But, they say, it's not too late to save the planet if we mend our ways.
By "mend our ways" they mean turn off the electricity and park our cars.
But if we turn off our electricity during the hot summer months, we can't use our air conditioners. And if we can't drive our cars we'll have to walk. That means we'll be sweating like pigs at a barbecue -- prompting a major increase in the use of underarm deodorant.
That means another hole in the ozone.
I've decided to stop fretting over the freeze-or-fry debate. I've got more to worry about than holes in the sky and hot penguins.
Frankly, I suspect most of the hot air the scientific community is so worried about is coming from the scientific community.