By LARRY WOODY
Just when you thought the Politically Correct Police couldn't possibly get any nuttier, they proved us wrong.
Now they're after the Charlie Brown gang.
They claim Chuck and his merry band of cartoon-strip characters promotes bullying.
They think it's terrible, for example, that Lucy keeps yanking the football away from Charlie Brown every time he tries to kick it.
Well, I've got news for them: Unless you live in a protective bubble you're going to have a few footballs yanked away from you now and then.
That's not bullying. It's called life. There are no guaranteed kicks.
When you miss, you do what Charlie Brown does - get up, dust yourself off, and try again.
The PC cops also are horrified because some of the characters call each other "Blockhead." They consider that a cruel put-down that dampens self-esteem.
What a bunch of - pardon the expression - Blockheads.
The professional whiners are distressed over the portrayal of Charlie Brown's pal Pig Pen, the scruffy little urchin who goes through life in a cloud of dust.
Well, Pig Pen seems perfectly happy, well-adjusted and totally accepted by the rest of the gang. What's wrong with a kid getting a little dirt on him? It builds immunity to germs. It also builds character.
You show me a squeaky-clean kid with no smudges and skinned knees and I'll show you a kid who spends too much time playing video games. Frankly, we could use a lot more Pig Pens on the playgrounds nowadays.
Then there's Linus, the naïve little thumb-sucker with the security blanket who believes in the Great Pumpkin. Halloween after Halloween Linus is let down.
Isn't that terrible? Why, it's like allowing little kids to get excited about Santa. (Oops - better not give the PC mob any ideas.)
And Marcie, the bright little with glasses. The PC cops think that's making fun of bright little girls with glasses.
And of course Peppermint Patty encourages kids to eat too much candy.
I suppose the bulls-eye on the PC target would be Lucy, the bossy know-it-all. She's always ordering everybody around, yanking away Charlie Brown's football, shoving her nose in other people's business and being an all-around pain in the neck.
When Lucy grows up she can join the PC club. She'll be right at home as a professional busy-body.
Once the Politically Correct crowd takes care of the distressing Charlie Brown bullying problem, I figure they'll turn their attention to Snoopy.
The poor pooch is clearly delusional - he sometimes thinks he's flying combat missions in his trusty Sopwith Camel, in pursuit of the Red Baron.
Isn't that making fun of schizophrenics? How come Snoopy's not in therapy, where he belongs?
And what about dreadful militaristic message combat pilot Snoopy sends to youngsters?
The Politically Correct police, with their anti-Charlie Brown crusade, have called attention to the fact that there are some nutty characters running around out there.
They're right. And some of them aren't in the funny papers.