By LARRY WOODY
Last week, snowed-in and ice-bound amid one of the coldest spells in recorded history, I had ample time to reflect on Global Warming.
The Global Warmers claim the record-breaking cold, ice and snow that turned much of the country into Club Siberia was due to the earth GETTING WARMER.
To paraphrase the great philosopher Forrest Gump, "I may not be smart, but I know what cold is."
This is the Global Warming theory:
When it's wet and cold it's due to Global Warming.
When it's dry and hot it's due to Global Warming.
Talk about covering all the bases.
Why stop there? Why not blame all natural disasters, including the Kardashians, on Global Warming?
The Titans' miserable 2-14 season was due to Global Warming.
Jeff Gordon's crash at Daytona was due to Global Warming.
When an elected politician is caught with his/her paw in the cookie jar it's not their fault -- it's that darn Global Warning.
The Global Warmers are scurrying like freezing lemmings to distance themselves from their original designation. I can understand why. It's hard to sell Global Warming when it's 40 below and Eskimos are harpooning manatees through the ice in Miami.
Global Warmers have decided they prefer, uh, "Climate Change."
Sorry, no exchanges. Once you buy it you're stuck with it, embarrassing gravy stains and all. It's "Global Warming" no matter how deep the snow piles over your noggins.
The Global Warming theory is not new. Alert snow-bound reader Jim Freeman came across a story printed in 1922 in The Washington Post that warned "the Atlantic Ocean is warming up." The author fretted about the fate of icebergs and fur seals.
The price of blubber was expected to skyrocket.
However, in 1975 Newsweek Magazine ran a cover story titled "The New Ice Age." Climate experts claimed the planet was actually cooling, and would eventually freeze as hard as a divorce lawyer's heart. They said we were headed for an icy Armageddon.
Good news for hockey fans, bad news for the rest of the human race.
In the Newsweek article, experts produced reams of scientific data proving the temperature had dipped drastically in recent years.
Now latter-day climate experts claim just the opposite.
So which is it? Shiver or sizzle?
I'm no climate expert but I can read a thermometer.
One thing I'd like the Global Warming acolytes to explain: what happened to the glaciers? You know the ones I'm talking about -- 10,000 years ago they covered much of the North American continent. Where'd they go?
(Hint: they melted.)
What caused them to melt?
(Hint: sudden warming.)
What caused the sudden warming?
(Hint: it wasn't cavemen driving emission-spewing SUVs.)
Another question: if Global Warmers are convinced we're destroying the planet by driving cars and heating our homes, why do THEY keep doing it?
Show me a Global Warmer who bikes through blizzards and lives through the winter in an unheated teepee and I'll show you someone who's very sincere. I'll also show you someone who's very frozen.
Global Warmers expect us to ride rainbows to work and warm our homes with moonbeams while waiting for Princess Solar Panel and Chief Wind Mill to come to our rescue.
But if the Global Warmers will agree to turn off their electricity and park their cars, I'm willing to sacrifice too. I'll stop watching the Sports Channel on TV while eating micro-wave pizza.
I don't want to burn to a crisp or freeze solid -- whichever the climate du jour experts are predicting this particular week.