By LARRY WOODY
A documentary producer recently allowed himself to be "eaten alive" by a giant anaconda while wearing a special "snake-gut-cam" that was supposed to record the dining experience for posterity.
It was a total rip-off.
I watched the "Eaten Alive" documentary on the Discovery Channel and the guy wasn't eaten. Never even came close.
The snake coiled around him and appeared to briefly gnaw on his helmet and that was it. A more accurate title would have been "Gummed Alive."
Paul "The Entree" Rosolie was the man behind the stunt. He said he wanted to see what it was like to be swallowed a snake. Paul clearly has too much time on his hands.
He had a rope tied to his leg so he could be pulled out in case something went wrong, he was digested, and exited in a vastly different fashion at the other end.
What could possibly go wrong with allowing a giant snake to swallow you alive?
And how come my boyhood pal, Booger "Watch This" Wattenbarger didn't think of it first?
Viewing the documentary was like watching pro wrestling, only less dignified. It consisted mostly of a lot of yelling and rolling around in the mud.
The animal-rights group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Anacondas) was predictably up in arms, claiming the 20-foot reptile should not have been used in such a manner. PETA believes the snake should have been allowed to swallow a giant artichoke instead.
PETA spokesperson Deleianna Winders said the episode "was incredibly stressful for the snake." She said it was a clear-cut case of "anaconda exploitation."
Deleianna said anacondas everywhere should be up in arms...if they had arms.
Several trial lawyers have contacted the aggrieved anaconda to propose filing a personal-injury lawsuit. They have held a number of snake-to-snake meetings.
Paul denied the snake was harmed in any way, other than being peeved at losing its prospective supper. If the snake had successfully gobbled Paul, then he had been yanked out, it would probably have been like eating Chinese. The cuisine, I mean. One minute the snake felt full and satisfied, and the next minute -- after somebody yanked the rope -- it was hungry again.
Perhaps they could have fed him Danny DeVito as a light snack.
The experiment, had it worked, could have led to a revolutionary new weight-loss system for humans, the "Yanked-Rope Diet."
Paul, who wore a special protective suit for the anticipated swallowing, said he suffered a sore rib, but other than that both he and the anaconda were perfectly fine. HBO is promoting a re-match.
I have just one question: what if Paul HAD been swallowed, something had gone terribly wrong, Paul's assistants tried to yank him out -- and the rope broke? Would they have just gone around to the other end of the snake, taken a seat, and waited for him to eventually emerge?
Or would they have gone to his rescue, the way my Grandma Harriett did when she discovered a big chicken snake in her hen house, bulging with eggs it had swallowed? She grabbed her trusty hoe, dispatched the snake, and recovered her eggs. (I passed on Grandma's scrambled eggs for awhile after that.)
Drastic times call for drastic measures, and I suspect Paul and his pals had a Plan B in mind if he had been swallowed and something went wrong with the emergency rope-yank.
I'll bet they had a giant hoe ready and waiting.