By MIKE WEST
When it comes to New Year's Resolutions, I've got one of the Top 10 whipped.
Pause. And that resolution is "quit smoking."
I haven't smoked since college and that's been a while. In fact, I am saving a cigar that I received for helping in a wedding six or seven years ago. I look at it every once in a while and that's about it when it comes to smoking.
But while we are at it, we might as well do a survey of what the U.S. government describes as the Top 10 New Year's Resolutions.
At the top of the list is (you guessed it) "lose weight." Here's the rest taken in order:
Volunteer to help others, quit smoking, get a better education, save money, get fit, eat healthy food, manage stress, manage debt, take a trip, reduce, reuse and recycle and drink less alcohol.
When it comes to losing weight, I count it a successful year when I lose those extra holiday pounds gained during Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's tough to predict how I will do on that account this year since I dined at IHOP (International House of Pancakes) for Thanksgiving and had at least two major Christmas meals. Oops, make that three.
I did eat some "healthy food" which is number 8 on the list. Yes, I did eat a bite of salad last week, not including a bit of lettuce on my ham or turkey sandwiches. It's doubtful if my "salad" counteracted all the hash-brown casserole, broccoli, rice and CHEESE that I devoured. Note: Cheese is short for Velvetta. Yum!
Hmmm, let's see. I did "volunteer" to help various people lose weight by eating their share of the Christmas goodies.
Wait a minute, I did manage to save some money. (Only to spend it over the holidays.)
As for getting "fit," what's that?
I throw an occasional fit. In fact, I can throw a pretty good one every once in a while. As for getting "fit," that is going to be an uphill battle for sure. Fitness reminds me of the annual run on Short Mountain. The only way I could do that is if I tripped and rolled down the entire mountain.
Managing stress? I only experience that once a week when deadline rolls around. Getting that newspaper out on time can be a bit stressful especially when that slavedriving publisher Ron Fryar gets to snapping his bullwhip.
When it comes to managing debt, I have that one whipped. There's bound to be a lottery card with my name on it. Or there's always the Publisher's Clearing House. I've been playing that one for years and I can see myself winning at least $10,000 a month any day now.
"Get a better education." Heck, I went to MTSU. It doesn't get any better than that.
"Taking a trip" is a favorite resolution. Heck, I'm already planning a major adventure to either Short Mountain or maybe even McMinnville in the next week or two. And there's always Florida…
"Reduce, reuse and recycle" is another resolution that is near and dear to heart. At the Courier, we recycle aluminum cans and newspapers and all sorts of stuff. Of course, "we" doesn't necessarily mean "me."
That leaves us with the final resolution, number 10 on the list: Drink less alcohol.
Trouble is, if I try to keep all the other nine resolutions it will force me to drink more alcohol. I can't help it. Keeping up with all those resolutions is stressful. It's a vicious circle.
So I'm left with one option: Forget all those resolutions. (Except the one about smoking).
Besides one out of 10 isn't too bad? Have a Happy New Year!
2014 here we come.