By SAVANNAH CUNNICK
Time to take a break! YOU need to sit back...chat with friends and family and enjoy that good ole fashioned B-B-Q !! Let's Put On The Ritz Redneck Style !
It's that time of year to break out the grill and ice chest...clean off the picnic table...put down that heirloom red and white checkered table cloth...paper plates and plastic silverware...don't forget the red solo cups...now we are all set for good eats and ongoing graphic family stupidity.
Let's face it...J.D. and I are totally blessed with our Redneck relatives and certainly never have to worry about entertainment when we get together. Lots of them have been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Total Duck Dynasty scene ! Hey, I have always believed that one should never under estimate the power of stupid people in large groups! Uncle Festus says that if any of them would go missing ... they would be hard to identify since more than likely there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same !
Cousin Clarence told me the other day that if you can't afford a doctor...go to the airport. You'll get a free X-ray and breast exam and if you mention AL QUEDA... you'll get a free colonoscopy!
Well... back to the B-B-Q....Uncle Earl just finished mowing the yard with his homemade lawn mower : his GOAT strapped on top of a push cart. Clarence is the overall Chewbacca at the grill. Uncle Festus always brings the DEER balls...swears it's the cheapest meat under a buck ! Jethro brought the pork and told us that he just finished writing his Hillbilly Piggy Cookbook entitled: Never Cook Bacon Naked. (No doubt based on personal painful experience.)
Clarence brought all the WINGS...after he hacked into KFC at his computer and downloaded all the chicken.
Well, don't pop the champagne corks yet until I tell you how this B-B-Q turned out. Grill is ignited... meats are on the barby....and SCHZAM...Clarence left the grill and went to play toilet-seat-horseshoes...then wheelbarrow races...the beer bottle hunt...and finally won first place in the largest beer belly contest. Well, good for you Chef Chewbacca but once again the food on your grill
is ONE HOT MESS! Crisp burgers resembling hockey pucks, over-roasted weenies, chicken like a burnt tire with the only saving grace that salmonella was of no concern. Let's face it...it's time the WOMEN FOLK take over.
Aunt Martha and the gals cooked up the remainder of the fresh meats and the true meaning of a yummy B-B-Q returned to our family outing. Martha brought the baked goods and shared her belief that a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. I brought all the salads and Aunt Pat always brings the baked beans. They are very rich and spicy...makes one thankful for OUTDOOR dining.
Cousin Clem and wife Clara brought their Redneck Dishwasher...their hound dog, Round-Up, whose job is cleaning off all the plates once everyone
is done. Clem says sometimes ya' have to beware of that aggressive dog and his cat's pretty shady too.
Clem's son, Chester just got out of jail...he got arrested for carrying a fishing pole into Sea World. He's partners with Luke (cousin twice- removed) and owns the Billy Goat Tavern across from the Roadkill Grill Cafe on Felony Road...far out of town...(in the dark..all alone..that's for YOU J.D.).
Chester just got through installing his beer bottle chandeliers and his smoke alarms...each alarm includes a nail and a package of Jiffy Pop. His wife and kids love his simple inventions: she has her beer can hair rollers and the boys have their pitchfork marshmellow toaster.
Well, Okey Dokey Smokey....we may laugh at all of our relatives...but, they are good at finding simple solutions to complex problems. I think that is where J.D. gets it. And, I imagine we will no doubt continue with our scorched food, corny contests and ridiculous gossip...but, so goes my Redneck family who I love dearly.
Ya' gotta do it, Folks...enjoy your relatives and friends...just don't overcook your food...have some good laughs...make those unforgettable memories. Because once these times are over, trust me...you will seriously miss them. I believe that if you're lucky enough to have wonderful friends and family..you're lucky ENOUGH.
Continue to spring forward...treasure each passing day...hand out those hugs and help your neighbors.
Will CHAT with all of you next week...until then.