Stop the press: Paula Deen has been caught red-handed (and greasy fingered) eating a cheeseburger. And it gets worse: Credible witnesses report that there were also French fries involved.
The recent burger bust was one of the biggest in the history of the food police, which intends to make an example of Deen in hopes of deterring others from entering the same drive-thru lane to cholesterol purgatory.
The calorie cops consider Deen a special case because the 65-year-old matron is a famous hostess of a TV cooking show. Having been recently diagnosed with Type II diabetes, the dining diva advised the public to cut back on double-whopper-bacon-cheese-melts and the like. Then, like a TV preacher who gets nabbed in some neon-lit naughtiness, Deen is caught doing exactly what she preached against.
It’s a classic case of “Eat as I say, not as I eat.”
But, he who is without sin let him cast the first Big Mac.
Deen is not the first celebrity to end up on the food police’s version of “America’s Most Wanted.” First lady Michelle Obama’s face appeared on a similar poster, for similar reasons. Obama, who heads a campaign to try to get her fellow Americans to start eating healthier, took time out from pushing grapefruit and lettuce to drop by her local burger joint and drive in.
She was an even worse calorie culprit than Deen. Not only did she wolf down a burger and fries, she topped it off with a milkshake!
A fine example for the fast-food first lady to set for the youth of our nation, wailed the critics. Someone tallied up the number of calories Obama consumed during her burger binge and said it exceeded the total input of various small villages in the Ukraine. Just like Deen, Obama was branded a hamburger hypocrite.
There’s no denying that we’re becoming an overweight nation of junk-food junkies, and unless we mend our menus we’re going to, well, waist away. I suppose it’s fitting that we’re advised to stay fit.
On the other hand, do we really want Sgt. Joe Friday looking over our shoulder every time we enter a restaurant? When we leave are we going to get patted down to make sure we’re not trying to sneak out an extra taco? Will it get to the point where we’re forced to slip around and buy our Twinkies, Goo-Goos and Ding-Dongs from shadowy characters lurking in back alleys?
Will we sneak home late at night with grease stains on our collar and smelling of Krystal burgers? Can you imagine the look on little tykes’ faces if they see Ronald McDonald led away in handcuffs?
Surely there has to be a better way. I’ll take McNuggets over mcnaggers.
I think what these two women did is probably the correct way to go about it: Educate us about the benefits of eating healthy and advise us about the health risks we face if we don’t. Then bug out and stop harping on it, like some born-again vegan on a bean-sprout crusade.
Don’t we as a nation have enough common sense and self-discipline to cut back on our intake of fast food, junk food and other button-busting eating habits without all the lectures?
Larry Woody can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.