Woody: Is your mouse feeling old?

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By LARRY WOODY

Lab technicians have discovered feeding mice broccoli slows down the aging process. That's great news, especially if your mouse has started to look old.

That's just what the world needs -- younger mice.

Mice who used to mope around the Old Rodents Home watching Mickey Mouse re-runs are suddenly scampering about, leading active, rewarding lives.

If broccoli can perk up old mice, scientists believe it might also work for age-challenged humans. Not to mention any names, but, for example, Cher.

Early tests have revealed a few adverse side-effects on human lab-rats: an insatiable taste for cheese, twitching whiskers and scaly tails. But, as I'm sure Cher will agree, that's a small price to pay for Eternal Youth.

We humans have been trying to stay young forever. Remember Ponce de Leon and his quest for the Fountain of Youth? Instead of prowling around in jungles getting skeeter-bit and arrow-punctured while looking for a bubbling fountain, Ponce should have been searching for a broccoli garden. He might have been guided by the sound of a wild mouse party in progress.

Ponce: "Wow, those mice certainly look young and frisky."

Aide: "Yeah. Wonder if it has something to do with all that broccoli they're eating?"

Ponce: "Naw, that couldn't be it. I'll bet they've been taking a dip in the Fountain of Youth!

Aide (muttering under his breath): "Fountain of Youth my blunderbuss. What a nut."

But we shouldn't judge Ponce de Leon too harshly; centuries later we're still suckers for anything that might wipe away the years. We snicker at the idea of a Fountain of Youth, yet we shell out an estimated $1 billion a year on goofy anti-aging products.

Go channel surfing and you'll find all kinds of stuff that will make you look younger if you drink it, rub it on or soak in it. Wrinkles will disappear, skin will become softer and you'll feel as frisky as a teenager on prom night.

You'll hop out of that rocker and start doing the Charleston.

Many of these snake-oil products some with a rock-solid guarantee: If you buy them, use them for a year, and don't feel any younger, they'll gladly sell you some more.

It's sad to see how desperate we are to be young again. We pine for the days when we had to use a fake ID to get into the hoochie-coochie show when the carnival came to town. Now our idea of a good time is eating oat bran.

We blinked, and suddenly some strange old geezer is staring back at us from the bathroom mirror.

Which brings up the question: how old is too old? Methuselah lived to be 969, the oldest human on record, although Cher is closing in on him.

According to ancient scrolls, Methuselah -- who didn't look a day older than 900 -- enjoyed a good quality of life right up the end, when he broke his hip in a water-skiing accident while showing off for some of Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Unfortunately history doesn't reveal the old timer's longevity secret, but thanks to the current mouse experiment we may finally have a clue:

Methuselah ate lots of broccoli.

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