Woody: Retelling some classic stories

LARRY WOODY

Recently some of the classic old fables and fairy tales have been re-written to give them a modern, more realistic spin. I decided to take a crack at a few myself:

Little Red Riding Hood: One bright spring morning Red went to visit her grandmother in the Frisky Seniors Retirement Community. She arrived just as granny was finishing her Salsa Dance workout in the fitness center.

Suddenly a big bad wolf jumped out of the towel closet, bared his big bad teeth, and grabbed Red's granny.

Red, who has a concealed-carry permit, whipped out her .38 Special and drilled the mangy critter right between his big bad eyes.

Red and granny dropped the wolf at the taxidermist, then went out for wine spritzers and sushi.
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Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Goldilocks was wandering through the forest one day when she came upon a cottage. She knocked on the door, there was no answer, so she picked the lock and crept inside.

She ate a bowl of soup, busted up some furniture and finally fell asleep on one of the beds.

While she was sleeping, the owners of the cottage, the Three Bears, came home from the movies. They discovered Goldilocks in their bed, called the cops, and she was arrested for breaking and entering.

Turned out Goldilocks had a rap sheet a mile long, and was out on bail for stealing Old Mother Hubbard's last dog bone from her cupboard.
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The Three Little Pigs: The pigs built one house of sticks and another of straw, but both failed to meet Building Codes requirements, so they decided to build a third one from bricks.

Soon afterwards, a wolf came bopping down the street, smelled fresh pork, and decided to blow the pigs' house down.

He was standing on the front porch huffing and puffing (a long-time smoker, the wolf suffered from chronic shortness of breath) when two case-workers in white coats came and took him away.

"What, are you nuts?" they said. "Trying to blow down a brick house?"
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The Ant and the Grasshopper: All summer long the ambitious Ant scurried around gathering and storing food while the lazy Grasshopper idled his time away playing video games and watching MTV.

Summer turned into fall, with a warning chill in the air. The Ant increased its dawn-to-dusk labors, while the shiftless Grasshopper threw a Frisbee in the park and went to rock concerts.

One morning they awoke to discover their world covered in ice and snow.

The Ant was snuggled in its cozy den, nibbling food it had worked hard to gather, when a guy from the government showed up, confiscated half of it, and gave it to the Grasshopper.