Woody: Congress pulls monkeyshine
Wednesday, October 15, 2014 9:56 am
By LARRY WOODY
With the bloated federal deficit swollen to approximately $16.7 trillion and rising (it just went up another billion while you gasped) some wonder how it could possibly happen.
How could the government run up a tab like that? Did they give our credit card to Paris Hilton?
No, but close. The Feds are spending money like drunken monkeys.
More accurately, they're spending it ON drunken monkeys.
They're spending it the tune of $3.9 million. That's how much the government is doling out to research alcohol's effects on monkeys.
The Feds consider a few million bucks just chimp change.
Of course there will be the additional cost of sending Cheetah to AA after the research ends.
The story about the drunk-monkey research didn't make clear, what, exactly, they hoped to gain from the $3.9 million study of plastered primates. I suppose "The Drunk Monkey" would be a good name for a sports bar. Or a rock band. Or Queen Elizabeth's yacht.
It could also inspire a bad joke:
Or: where does a monkey go to drink?
I don't know that we need a drunk monkey to tickle the national funny-bone. We've already got Joe Biden.
I can predict what will happen when you get a monkey loaded: he'll go ape.
Moonshine leads to monkeyshines.
If you think monkeys act up when they're sober (we've all had to steer the kiddies away from the monkey cage at zoos) imagine what they'll do when they get a few pops under their belt:
Wide-eyed kiddie: "Mommy, what's that funny monkey doing?"
It's not clear what activities the soused simians will participate in, but we assume they won't be allowed to do anything really stupid, like get behind the wheel of an automobile, operate heavy machinery or buy lottery tickets.
Perhaps one of them might opt to run for public office, and if so, I'll vote for him or her.